Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Making Money Illegally

Note: This blog is entirely tongue-in-cheek. As this blog is for entertainment purposes only, the author of this blog is in no way responsible for any trouble you may or may not get yourself into as a result of reading anything contained on this website. If you get yourself in trouble, it's your own damn fault.

So the economy's got you down, huh? Seems like everyone's a bit upset about the whole "oh god capitalism is falling" vibe these days. Regardless of whether or not that's true, unemployment is at its highest point in ages. People are desperate for money. Foreclosures are sweeping the world. People who had a life of luxury yesterday have no home, and no money to their name today. Sucks to be them, I say. Today, I'm going to discuss making money illegally, that is, earning an income while breaking the law. Making money illegally isn't exactly difficult. You could go outside and rob the first person who see, and you'll have a wallet/purse, maybe a watch to show for it. Pawn that stuff off and bam, you've got some money.

Easy, right? That's small time though. I'm not going to tell you that the best way to earn money is to go out and snatch purses, though that could certainly work in a pinch. No, I'm going to give you some excellent ways to make an absolute killing (heh) while breaking the law. You've got a boring life, you don't want a boring life, so follow these ten simple and effective steps to start ballin' today!

1) Become a con artist. Conning people is easy. Just ask those dumbass Nigerians who somehow manage to make a bazillion dollars a year by sending people emails claiming to be a king who needs to get his money out of his country! If people are fucking stupid enough to fall for that, then they'll be stupid enough to fall for anything. Conning someone is easy. Make it seem like you can offer them the world. Tell them about a hot new dick pill. It'll make their junk 2" bigger in only a few months. Maybe have some before and after pictures handy. If they're not interested in increasing the size of their tiny phallus, persistence pays off. When they finally get mad enough to tell you to take a hike, sucker punch them and take their wallet and any valuables they may have. If they protest, kick them in the ribs a few times. People will do pretty much anything you tell them to when you're booting their ribs.

2) Break into cars. Breaking into a car is easy as hell. Just use a big rock, or a brick, or if you're drunk enough, a fist. Once the windows gone, you can reach in and grab to your hearts content. Imagine how much stuff you could swipe if you work fast and carry a large bag full of bricks.. You could do fifty cars an hour. It helps to have an accomplice who you can knock unconscious (again, with a sucker punch) if you suspect your cover is blown. The cops show up and find an unconscious guy, meanwhile you're nowhere to be found. You're probably in fuckin' Tahiti or some shit by now, with a trophy wife and everything.

3) Kill people (for money). This one is easy. You just need a gun, or maybe some poison darts. If you have no startup money, you can just use your fists to pummel someone to death. Or if they're standing on a balcony, throw them off. Once you've finished your first contract, you'll have a bunch of money. You'll be able to afford a kickin' rad suit, all kinds of guns with silencers, and nifty gadgets that let you zoom in and enhance photo's and shit. Once you've completed a few contracts, you can become a James Bond esque contract killer, with a lady who phones you on a secret satellite phone and gives you hits and everything. Oh goddamn, that would be rad.

4) Grow dope. Growing marijuana is easy as hell. If you live in a warm, sunny climate you've got it made. Hell, if you live where it rains ten months a year, you can still grow plenty of dope. Just ask those grower's from BC who make bank growing shit where it never stops raining. Growing Mary-J will make you a super badass drug dealer too, and everyone wants to be a drug dealer. You can buy a giant ugly SUV, and put tacky shit all over it like chrome trim and 55" spinners. If you get caught, you'll get a slap on the wrist, no one cares about dope growers. And if you live in a place where you'll get 20 years for it, your place sucks. Move.

5) Become an arms dealer. No I'm not talking about opening up a fish and tackle shop that has some rifles on the wall behind the counter. I'm talking about becoming an international arms dealer. Get guns is easy, just go to a gun range and wait outside. Follow someone home. When they leave, say for work the next day, you can just waltz right in and grab all their guns. For browny points, you can just sucker punch them and take their guns right outside the gun range. Now you've got a gun (or gun's) to sell. Selling guns is easy. Go to a shitty, seedy part of town and find a hooker. Ask the hooker to get you in touch with her pimp. He'll buy the gun, or give you the name of someone who will. Repeat this until you've got mad money in the bank. Now you can get on a private jet and fly to some shitty former soviet bloc hole and find some crooked army generals who'll sell you nukes and shit in exchange for vodka and women. If you've come this far, you'll have plenty of vodka and plenty of women.

6) Be a drug smuggler. Being a drug smuggler is gravy. Especially if you have no criminal record. All you gotta do is go to some South American country like Colombia. Since every single person who lives in Colombia is a drug lord with money in the bank, they'll all be willing to hire your ass to smuggle stuff in. If you're worried about all that stuff being in your ass for a 12 hour flight, loosen yourself up before hand with a huge dildo. You'll be able to fit a dump truck in there by the time you're done.

7) Rob banks (Like in Heat). Robbing banks is easy, you just need to have a hat and sunglasses. You don't even need a gun. Just walk in and give the teller a note that says you've got a gun or a bomb. They'll give you a bag of money. If you really want to impress all those terrified customers though, you need to be overt. If you've ever seen the movie Heat, with Bob Deniro and that Al Pacino fellow, you'll know what I'm talking about. Pull off a bank job like that to earn the respect of every single customer in the bank who you point your gun at. Shoot some bullets into the ceiling or a wall to let everyone know you mean business, and to alert everyone outside that there's a bank robbery taking place. When you leave, you'll get into a big epic shootout with hordes of police and look like a super badass.

8) Hijack an airplane. No not like those brown guys who blew up America, do it like D.B. Cooper did. That guy was awesome. He not only escaped with 200k in the bank, he also most likely froze to death in the wilderness he parachuted into. Okay that's not so awesome, but he was rich for a few hours at least. You too could experience temporary wealth followed by a horrifically slow and painful demise. Just board a plane, produce a knife to show you mean business, and then get your ass beat because no one is going to take your hijacking shit thanks to 9/11. It's easier to do it on a cargo plane like a Fedex plane or something. The bonus of hijacking a cargo plane is that you get to snoop through all the shit in the back while you wait for your money delivery. You'll find some awesome stuff to pocket, I bet.

9) Hijack a bus. Hijacking is the key to making bank. Since you've got a bus full of hostages, cops will give you stuff when you demand it. IF they don't, just throw someone out will you're driving down the highway. That'll show them that you mean business. When the cops ask what you want, tell them you want cold hard cash and a parachute. The parachute will probably confuse them, but that's exactly what we want. After you've got your money and the bus is back on the road (you didn't fuck it up and get caught or killed as they delivered the money, did you?) you get on the roof and pull the parachute cord. This will rip you off the back of the bus and into freedom. If you can't figure out how that'll set you free, I'm not going to tell you, it's a trade secret.

10) Become an internet marketer. You know the type, the guy that promises to give you 500 bucks an hour for filling out online surveys. You can start a website that sells an eBook that has no information in it what-so-ever. Bonus points if your eBook is actually just a compilation of insults directed at the customer and/or their family. If you really want to make cash illegally from the comfort of your own home, you'll push those "make $1,000 a day" advertisements and those horrible "mom finds the cure for yellow teeth" Google ads. Remember what I said above, about how easy people are to con? If you can sell someone a house without actually owning it, you can definitely sell some bullshit about making their teeth white.

None of this is easy. The safest one would be robbing banks, the least safe would be internet marketing. As an internet marketer, you'll face countless emails calling you a "cock sucker" or a "scumbag". Remember, making money illegally is easy as hell, and if you fail at it, you suck.